Single on Valentine’s Day

A guide to what to do if you’re single on Valentine’s

Aidan Terry, Staff Writer

Valentine’s Day. These two words bring horror to most. These two words inspire a level of fear and dread deeper and more miserable than the deep recessed nightmares you keep in the back of your mind. 

It’s also a holiday.

Valentine’s Day is that time in the year where you realize how lonely you feel. After months cooped up from the snow with your skin paler than the clouds you never see, there is almost no chance that you can get a date for Valentine’s day now. There’s no use in fighting it, you are single on Valentine’s Day. Don’t stress though. I’ve got some ways for you to live it up on February 14th without needing a partner. Because as they say, it takes two to tango, but it only takes one to eat an entire tub of ice cream.

Let’s start with the basics. A night by yourself watching 80’s romantic comedies in a bathrobe is one of the best feelings in the world. Sure, it would be better if you could snuggle up next to someone you love, but then they might ask you to share your two-gallon drum of mint chocolate chip ice cream. That ice cream is yours and yours alone, and it will be gone by the time you rise out of bed when the sun comes up. Make sure to have tissues on hand so that your tears don’t ruin your old and stained sweatshirt. 

Another option you could try out is ruining someone else’s Valentine’s. If you can’t be happy, then why should they? There are many ways you could do this. The possibilities are nearly endless. Reserve a table at a fancy restaurant and scout out a happy looking couple. Buy a pregnancy test and approach them. Start crying and making a scene and tell one of the people in the relationship that you’re pregnant, and they’re the father (this works better if there is at least one guy at the table you acost). You could buy some eggs. Then throw some eggs at a couple. Are eggs too expensive? Buy some cheese. Be sure to wear your running shoes as you slap the backs of a happy couple with a couple slices of good old Kraft Singles.

Here’s an option for the recently single. Gather all the things your old partner bought you. Buy a blowtorch at Home Depot. You now have two options. You can go the non-criminal route and burn all the things your partner got you from the safety and security of your own home, or you could take those items and burn them in your ex’s house. Felonies are serious, but so are you, and crazy is your middle name.

If you’re feeling like treating yourself but don’t have any money, go to a fancy restaurant. If you get all fancy and get a table for two, people will assume you got stood up. Use this. Get them to feel bad for you. Pretend someone stood you up. You’re alone on Valentine’s so you have probably been stood up before, so use your pain. Try and get some pity food. 

Valentine’s day, in the end, is just another day. Remember that you don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. And remember that you don’t need to be happy in a relationship. It takes courage to ask someone out, sure, but it takes a lot more courage to end something you know isn’t going to make either of you happy. 

Happy Valentine’s.